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October 18, 1969

Dear Mr. Oppenheimer, (sorry it couldn't be Father)

       As you can possibly tell this letter will be unlike any you have ever received. I wish to speak to you in the same voice I speak to my friends, although I doubt you would ever consider doing the same or even me as a friend.

       Sometimes in your house I feel like an uninvited guest. It also appears as if my host feels that since he didn't invite me, why should he treat me well.

       My host may not realize it but an ancient book says one of the wisest things to do is treat the uninvited guest well.

       It is true that in the world & civilization I am an uninvited guest, but at least there, I have a father. He is kind and although his way isn't necessarily the easiest or the most obvious, I find I trust his judgment better than any mortal's. I have to and this is the way I feel it should be.

       In regard to my mortal father and family, it seems to me I was uninvited. It also seems that the making of his invitation was perhaps one of his most pleasurable experiences.

       I also feel that when I am in your home that someone is trying to tell me to say, "I'm sorry," for something which I did and didn't apologize for that I should have. But the only things I can think of I have already apologized for.

     I also feel I am owed an apology but I know I am not. In respect to apologies though, I remember a time when at the age of the 14 I was told to get out of my house & not to come back unless I apologized. Everyone present was astounded, and anyone I told was aghast. I stayed away for two weeks and one day the person said, "I'm sorry," and was ashamed he had to say it.

       This is the only time in my relationship with that person that I feel I deserved an apology.

       When that person's father died, I was not stricken with grief, I was very sorry that I would never see that man again. Grief over death is not a part of my religion, because to me death is just the end of one cycle & the beginning of another, A step forward. I was asked to alter my appearance, and appear to be a part of a guilt-stricken family that did not want me at any time, other than the present. I flatly refused, and did not even contact the deceased's son.

       For this there can be no excuse. It was a selfish act and one for which no excuse can be made. If an excuse could be made there was no need for an apology. If I have not done so before, here is my apology.

       "I'm as sorry as possible."

       The absurdity of this is self-evident. Nothing is better or changed unless the apology is accepted. I feel that even if I deserve an apology I could never accept another one. I can only look for better or change.

       Will you reconsider about the financial situation & and think about what your father would have done.

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